Supporting someone through infertility

When someone you love is going through infertility, you may feel helpless. You want to fix it, or at least say the right thing. Usually there is no right thing to say, and that is okay.

What helps most is often simple: being steady, being kind and letting them lead. This guide offers a few ways to do that. It is written for a partner, a friend or a family member.

Listen more than you fix

It is natural to reach for solutions. Try holding back, at least at first. Many people going through this have already read a great deal and talked with their care team. What they may need from you is someone who will listen.

• Ask, then wait. "How are you doing with all of this?" leaves room for a real answer.
• Let silence be okay. You do not have to fill every pause.
• Say what you can honestly say. "I am so sorry. I am here." is enough.
• Follow their lead. Some days they will want to talk about it. Other days they will want to talk about anything else.

Things that tend to help

• Practical help. Offer something specific, like driving to an appointment, picking up groceries, walking the dog or making dinner. "Let me know if you need anything" is kind, but it leaves the work with them.
• Remembering hard dates. Appointment days, the days waiting for news and anniversaries can be heavy. A short message on those days can mean a lot.
• Asking what they want. "Do you want company, advice or just a listening ear?" lets them choose.
• Keeping them included. Keep inviting them to things, and let them decide whether to come. Baby showers and family gatherings can be hard, so ask what would feel manageable.
• Respecting privacy. Ask before sharing anything with others. It is their story.

Things to avoid

Most of these come from love. They can still sting.

• Unsolicited advice. A friend's story, an article or a tip you heard may be well meant, but it can leave someone feeling that they have not tried hard enough.
• "Just relax." It suggests they are the cause, and it puts more pressure on them.
• Comparing. "My cousin did this and it worked" or "At least you can..." can make the person feel unseen.
• Silver linings. Skip "everything happens for a reason" and similar lines.
• Asking for updates. Let them share news when they are ready.
• Making it about you. Your feelings matter too, but bring them to someone else for now.

When there is a loss

A loss can come at any point, and grief can be deep and long. If someone you love has lost a pregnancy or a baby, the most helpful thing may be to say plainly that you are sorry and that you will be there.

• Use the name they use, if they have given the baby one.
• Do not rush them toward the next step, and do not set a timeline for grieving.
• Keep showing up after the first weeks, when most other people have moved on.

Two organizations offer support for people affected by loss: Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support and Postpartum Support International's page on loss and grief. You can gently mention them, and let the person decide whether to reach out.

Taking care of yourself too

Standing beside someone in pain can wear you down. You do not have to be their only support, and looking after yourself is not selfish.

• Find someone of your own to talk to, whether a friend, a counselor or a group.
• Keep some routines that are yours: sleep, meals, time outside, time with other people.
• Be honest about what you can offer, and offer that.
• If you are a partner, remember that you are going through this too, in your own way. Both of your feelings count.

If you are struggling, tell someone. If you are ever in distress or unsure where to turn, you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Support groups

RESOLVE's support group directory lists in-person, virtual and professionally led groups. You can share it with the person you love, or look at it for yourself. Check the details of any group directly with RESOLVE.

You can also browse the emotional support section of our directory for more places to turn.

If someone may be in danger

If someone you love talks about wanting to die, or about harming themselves, take it seriously. Stay with them if you can. Call or text 988, or call 911 if there is immediate danger. There is a box at the end of this guide with the details.